Review

The quite-creative mid-90s classic Hologram from my talented bitch half-sister Chi Chi LaRue is back, and not a moment too soon. But why didn’t the following ever happen?

CUT TO:
INT. CHI CHI’S OFFICE. DAY.
CHI CHI looks like crap. She’s spent the last ten hours in a k-hole, finished off her KFC mega-family-bucket and there’s nothing good on Trailer Trash TV. The intercom buzzes.

SECRETARY (v/o on intercom):
"Cheech, the producers of Star Trek are on the line one. They want to talk to you about your release, Hologram."

CHI CHI (To herself):
"This chick is outta here!"

CHI CHI grabs a gun, two kilos, and hops the next plane to Mexico.

OK. So the creators Star Trek didn’t sue, but she’s ripped off their holodeck idea lock stock and two smoking barrels. Here’s the story. Spears, Lange and Maxon celebrate their friend’s birthday at the hottest spot in town, Club Hologram. The birthday boy, Chads, is shy and nervous but is soon relaxed by the club’s drag queen host, Gender. There’s a little subplot about a malfunctioning suite: "One of our clients got gang raped by a hologram with three penises! And he’s straight! At least, he was..."

Lange is first up. His holodeck fantasy (created by Gender’s fiddling about with an ordinary store-bought video mixer) involves eighties Falcon star Phillips in a shower. (That’s his fantasy? Jesus, he should get out more.) Lange dives in fully clothed and tongue-fucks his fantasy lover. The wet clothes slip off and Lange receives a huge holodick. Pretty soon the shower cubicle is covered with his love porridge, which he proceeds to wipe up using his shaven genitalia as a windshield wiper.

Next up the boyish Maxon explores his chandelier decorated fantasy involving Mixer (with his early nineties David from “Roseanne” hair) and Antonio. As the three get busy, Fox secretly watches from behind a two-way mirror, jerking himself off to a geyser climax as Mixer fucks Maxon whilst Antonio beats off over them. Spooge flies thick and fast but sadly this scene is over too quickly.

Spears is next, and this scene is really hot. Gender knows he’s a "sex-pig" but I think the word "cum-dump" is a better adjective. In his fantasy he is surrounded by Holden, Matthews and Hunter so he drops to his knees and does what any red-blooded man would do. Things are getting very dirty indeed, but Gender isn’t happy, thinking the whole thing looks "like a Madonna video," so she ups the filth factor and all clothing and inhibitions are shed. This brilliantly edited piece (which I’m sure is the genesis of Chi Chi’s Link series) sees all four tonguing, sucking, nibbling and fucking each other. Spears and Matthews pump Holden’s holoass whilst Hunter teases them with his cock. They all converge on Spears’ amazing hairy body, chewing his tits and making him shoot all over the place. He demands they cover him with their own juices and they comply, but this filthhog is still not satisfied. He wants more. Soon he’s drenched and the greedy bastard blows all the fuses. It’ll blow yours too - it's one of the hottest scenes I’ve ever seen.

Finally it’s the Nervous Nellie birthday boy’s turn. Remember the malfunctioning room? Well, in a comedy twist that is so signposted you know it’s coming before you even watched the opening credits, Chads ends up in a room with flesh and blood mechanic Justin. Each is convinced the other is a hologram and get it on. Justin loses his clothes as Chads shows off his cocksucking skills before he offers his ass in a rather unflattering worm’s eye view shot. Holograms use condoms, you’ll be happy to know. This scene is a little short, as Chads cums loudly and joins his friends outside. "It was so real. It’s the best birthday ever!" he tells them as they leave. Justin (whose nipples are bigger than my entire fist) turns up at the reception and says he had such a good time the repair-job is on the house. Comedy drumroll please.

Hologram is great, if a little on the short side, and Spear’s scene is one of the hottest, most unforgettable pieces of filth I’ve witnessed. I hate you Chi Chi. Talented bitch.

 -- Froufrou A. Gogo

DVD notes: The disc features a hilarious Chi Chi commentary, coming to you from "the executive VIP Suite at VCA Pictures" (she says as she’s leaning against the washbasin with her feet up on the toilet tissue) I don’t want to give away her secrets but lets say she found something else to do with Pina Colada mix besides shove it down her throat. This is worth the price alone because sadly, there aren’t many other extras provided. Shame.

 -- Froufrou A. Gogo